You're quite replaceable..

I really have no idea why
you might think you mean
anything special to me.

It can't have anything to
do with how your presence
overshadows everyone else's,

or with how the better part
of my mind is dedicated to
coming up with excuses

to talk to you and trying to
weave a casual conversation
after the first nervous 'hi.'

Because that means nothing.
I'd totally stare as much when
I notice anyone else walking

into the room, talking, laughing,
breathing. It's not like I really
care more because it's you.

I am calm, focused, indifferent.
There is nothing but apathy
behind these thin words.

I promise you won't find more
no matter how deep you dig.
It's not worth bothering.

I have friends and a future.
I don't need you for anything
much. You're replaceable.

That's why I'm writing you
a string of not-so-honest,
somewhat-edited thoughts,

even though you'll never
read it because I'll never tell
you about it. Why would I?

You know what. Next time I see
you, I'll maybe wave and then
ignore you just to prove I can.

Ignore you because I will have
someone else to talk to, who's
just as interesting as you are.

(and maybe half as mesmerizing,
certainly not enough to leave me
feeling helpless or inadequate)

You're cool, but I've got far better
things to do than hang onto every
word from the top of your head.

So I swear you don't mean
anything special to me. You
have no reason to think that.

I can't have given you any.